So, when we hit road block after road block, feeling as though we are only treading water and not moving forward at all, I have to trust in what I cannot see or understand. Despite the fact that Adam has yet to obtain any real prospects for employment next year and we haven't even got our house up for sale yet (may I add, in a market that is virtually stagnet--even more stagnet than other places in Utah), our biggest challenges seem to be our many medical needs and bills. As soon as we paid off Damon's bills from his broken elbow, Ashton and I began visiting the doctor's office. Ashton for an endless chain of ear infections and me for a major sinus infection that refused to go away. So, multiple visits (meaning at least two for each of us each month) and repeated perscriptions later, we finally got better. These simple infections alone were costing us hundreds of dollars a month. Then, Ashton got pneumonia and his five-day hospital stay has not helped matters at all. Now, Adam's been attacked by a made podium stool at church which spread bruises accross the whole of his lower right leg (pictures below) and he will most likely need surgery to take care of a hernia repair. We all need to get into the dentist soon, and I need new glasses sometime too. IT'S ENDLESS!!! and financially we're shot. Thankfully our one splurge in the last few months, the Wii, is counting for Adam's birthday, mothers' day, fathers' day, my birthday and the big present for Damon's birthday. So, it's not so bad when you average it out like that. Although, I'm still having anxiety thinking about all that money we spent, even if it was off of KSL.com and we got a super good deal. Now I'm starting to stress about affording our trip to DC for Dustin's wedding. I don't have a history of stress ulcers for nothing. I'm really good at overreacting and worrying about things I can and can't control.
Yet, I mention all these "poor me" details because I've descovered the true power of positive thinking. Happy thoughts are not necessarily taking preventitive measures, they are prepare your mind and spirit to accept and deal with whatever comes your way. Let's face it, Heavenly Father didn't send us here so we could float along life never being forced out of our comfort zones or expected to deal with things bigger than ourselves. We are here to learn. Just like in school, the only time a student excels, in academics, the arts, or sports, is when they are challenged--forced to comfront situations that are strenuous and at times intimidating. That is also life. We can only grow, learn and become better through forcing ourselves to tread water until we somehow get to the other side to the rapids. Weather or not we are able to smile with taxing our muscles to the limit is up to us, and that is where the positive thinking comes in. Of course I have my days. There are times when I say to myself, "Man, we just can't get a break. It's one thing after another after another after another." Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I am irritable. Sometimes I just want to forget everything. But, sometimes--most the time, actually--I miss the challenge in my situation. I don't realize how difficult my current obstacle is until much later and I step and look at everything I've accomplished and how far I've got to go. Sometimes, I'm excited about different challenges because I want to see what it's like at the other side, just like we do when we go for a long hike and keep ourselves marching up the hill because we've heard the view at the top is priceless.
Perhaps that is the reality of possitive thinking--the ability to enjoy the journy, to not let it negatively affect the way I view the world and my life. It is being able to see what I've got rather than what I don't have. Don't get me wrong, I strongly believe in goals and dreams, I just don't think we should let our happiness be dictated by objects or situations that really have no effect on the eternal scheme of things. We have been so blessed, from the very basics of life to the extravigent items and opportunities that make life easier. It's amazing how focusing on the blessings can practically put blinders on the depths of our challenges.
I'm learning to enjoy life, to forget about things I don't have, and focus on the things that I wake up for, breathe for, live for. I'm learning to focus on the things (and people) I'll get to take with me when I leave this life, and keep hope that as long as I do my part, things will work out for the best in the end.
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