How do I love thee?

Of cours I'm going to write about love, with it being Valentine's Day and all. Occasionally I flip the TV onto KBYU at 11 O'clock during the week to watch their spiritual devotionals. This last week, they had an adress by Elder Holland called "How do I love thee?" Within just a few short seconds, I was hooked to what he had to say. Elder Holland has always been a favorite of mine to listen to, but this particular adress was more compelling than others.

I quickly discovered that it was the same talk that first convinced me it was time to pray about whether or not Adam was my future. Holland said, "No serious courtship or engagement or marriage is worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the other we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety's sake. the very nature of the endeaver requires that you hold on to each other as tightly as you can and jump in the pool together."

That section kept repeating itself over and over in my mind almost exactly seven years ago. I could feel that Adam was ready to jump in the pool and I realized if I really and truly wanted to know if Adam was "the one" for me, I needed to jump in with both feet, too; but, it isn't in my nature to act blindly and risk my heart and future. So, I knew I needed to receive conformation first. There have only been a couple times in my life where the answers to my prayers have been so unmistakeable the world seemed to stop spinning for a moment. This was one of those times. I knew Heavenly Father was giving me his blessing to marry
Adam. However, nature immediately dove in and before the short walk from my little prayer refuge was over, doubt began to sink in. That is when Elder Holland's words meant the most, "jump in." I realized I'd gotten my answer and it was time to just stop annalyzing past ideas of the future and jump in with both feet. So, I did; and, just six short months later, we were married. How grateful I am for that simple advice given by a servant of God and the strength and wisdom it gave me to trust my heart more than my head. To rely on faith--it is logical, but its power comes more from the heart than the head.

Now, listening to his talk, I realized it has taken a little different meaning for me. At the time of our courtship, I was basically only seeing to the vows. Then, after that, it seemed to be a white road with gold trim. I knew my life's struggles weren't over, but I just didn't think it through very well. Had I been wise, I would have heard everything Elder Holland had to say, such as his explanation that "investing all" meant taking the good with the bad and being more understanding and slower to anger or take offense.

I'm not saying marriage has been one big trial. It has been more difficult than I ever realized it would be--Adam and I never really even argued until the end of our honeymoon. Yet, it has been full of joy and all kinds of happiness. It's just that I never counted on the reality of life, and life is full of difficult events that make us cry and mourn and sulk, but they can also educate us and strengthen us and eventually give us more joy than we could have ever imagined. For example, for three years we wondered if we'd ever be able to have any more children after Damon. There was a lot of tears and hopes dashed (but never the question "why?" I'm a firm believer that asking God "why me" is rather selfish and accusatory--He loves us and knows how we need to grow). Now, we miraculously have another child to call our own and everyday I'm so filled with gratitude that I could just cry. I mean it, I'm not overexagerating or being cliche. That's how my life is right now, but it wouldn't be if I hadn't gone through the struggle of wondering if Ashton would ever enter our lives. I think it's the same with marriage in general, struggles come our way to cement us stronger together and help us ejoy each other more.

Elder Holland quoted 1 Cor. 13:7, "'[true love] beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things'...He [Christ] is the great example of one who bore and believed and hoped and endured. We are invited to do the same in our courtship and in our marriage to the best of our ability. Bear up and be strong. Be hopeful and believing. Some things in life we have little or no control over...Some disapointments have to be lived with in love and marriage...when they come, we have to bear them; we have to believe; we have to hope for an end to such sorrows and difficulty; we have to endure until such things come right in the end." Adam and I have endured a small amount of these trials, and I discovered that it is during those times of trial and uncertainty that we have been the closest, clinging to each other as if the other were our life preserver. It hasn't taken long for things to come right in the end; and, with each new struggle, we're better prepare to face the trouble with faith and hope and strength.

Adam and I were attached at the hip when we were first married. We were almost a drug for each other it seemed (in a good way). The first time we were away from each other for an extended period of time, we basically fell apart and cried, no bawled, on the phone each night. That element has changed. We don't cry anymore (at least, we usually don't cry) when we're apart; yet, on my part, I'm always anxious when he's away. It's like part of the inside of me is lying out on the table exposed, wating for him to put it back upon his return. Perhaps that's a gruesome explanation, but it's the only non-cliche one I can give. It's our experiences together, both good and bad, that have made us a part of each other, and I am so glad to have such a good man experience life with.

This Valentine's Day, I recognize the love of God in how he has directed my life and who he has blessed me to share my days with. In all the ways Adam and I compliment each other and better each other I can see the tender mercies of a loving Father in Heaven. I'm a better, happier person now that I have Adam in my life, and I thank my Heavenly Father for these immeasurable blessings in my life.